if things did not happen the way they did ...

... i most probably would not have realised how selfish you have been and continue to be
despite all we've been through and how the Lord has blessed and kept us
you continue in your stubbornness ...

foolishness in rearranging items in the car in the dark of night in an isolated factory lot that saw you robbed

showing your true colours immediately after the marriage blessing ... can't even remember what the argument was about 

absolute refusal to listen to reason ... took pastor's wife to get you to not go to Thailand - spiritual hotbed and plenty of bombings then

taking things for granted ... continuously ... the children are my main concern, never foresaw you would lose me first as a result

'refusing' to get requested probiotics from your office block ... even after reminders; with not one word of apology

apologising for everything inconsequential EXCEPT for when it matters and should be done 

think nothing of not keeping your word ... an inherited trait

absolute refusal to at least try for an interview at the suggested company, with not even a single word of explanation

wasting and spoiling food ... another inherited trait 

putting your brother and family before us 

stubborn refusal to make any amends for a decade despite being told several times you killed my love for you ... over time, it feels like you trampled, spat on and threw everything i did for you back in my face

not a single word of thanks when i took out two personal loans for the home and another two to three term loans to clear debt

not a single word of thanks, apology or encouragement for what we had to go through financially

stubborn refusal to do anything at all to improve your vocabulary and grammar, despite my getting useful books and encouragement

not a single explanatory word when i mentioned that the annual reduction of our housing loan via your EPF contribution seems to have decreased suddenly .. were you planning to EVER tell me or explain?

you wanted to throw our wedding decor 


ironic ... 
it takes a public declaration of my love for someone else to elicit an 'apology' 
an insincere apology at that 
because i know what your answer would be if i were to ask, 'would you have apologised at all if i hadn't ... ?' 
you would have continued to take things for granted and not bothered at all 
feeble attempts to stake your claim are ... too late

you forsook your vows and claim on me the moment you decided and went on to put your own family first ... like Esau putting his stomach first 
made worse when you turned to our mentor to avoid keeping your promise ... coupled with his brusque response without any consideration for me or the principle ... too little too late
never realised how selfish you are


i have never cheated on you
i have never slept with any other woman 
i have never flirted with lustful intent
i focused on fishing all these years that i will not stray
nothing is secret nor kept from you
i never wished for nor sought another nor the love of another
i make no demands but to not take things for granted for the children's sakes and safety 
and putting our family first 

it may be wishful thinking but p'raps ... just perhaps 
it was time for a (drastic) change
since i would have just continued for the sake of the children

too late ...
because this person is the first and only person to ever make me want to be a better person without being asked or told
because i see her in an entirely different manner and light 
because i want to marry her, grow old with her, care for her, provide for her, protect her  
because i want her to know there is someone who truly loves her
who'd stand by her and be there for her
because i want to serve the Lord together with her 

...