introspection

noticed a trend over the past few years ...
whenever i'm in a funk or facing issues and beset with problems that just won't go away 
or faced with unfair practices or injustice that just laughs in my face repeatedly 
when faced with hypocritical double standards flaunted in my face
when frustrated with the downs of life .... 

songs seem to always help 
before i began youtubing ... i'd just get the urge to pop into Salvation
scan their shelves for anything that may draw my attention 
browse through my faves as well as the unfamiliar 
and when testing was done, the songs and music would minister 
to my heart, my spirit, my soul 
there were times when i'd get an album just for a particular song or two that 'reached out' to me 
despite not liking the rest of the compilation
but over time, after repeated listening ... i grew to like those songs, too 

Done Moen's songs are good ... his Hiding Place album has been particularly helpful 
saw me through some difficult times 
i find Casting Crowns to be an anointed band with real life songs 
undiluted, frank, in your face .... sometimes kinda raw but good all the way
of late, Kari Jobe's the more i seek You & i'm in love with You and Selah's i look to You (with Amy's testimony) & i look to You (without Amy's testimony) [btw, it's an experience to listen to both playing simultaneously, ie the song playing in the background as you listen to Amy's testimony], I will carry you, and Bless the broken road have been particularly comforting, alternating between tears and desperate faith, desperate longings, desperate yearnings, loneliness, frustration, renewed faith and strength ... before the cycle starts all over again
parents who've lost their child and the rare ones able to empathise will understand 'I will carry you' ... and i desperately needed to be carried by my Father .. since all my earthly fathers let me down
am going through another phase in my life where i desperately hope and pray, identifying with 'Bless the broken road' ... how i desperately long for such a blessing 
so lonely and desperate that i alternate between believe in love & you'll see miracles and totally for You
came across Modern Day Ruth recently and her blog - Jenny Williams is a forty-something single mother who is going through a difficult phase of her life. She shares intimately, sometimes almost raw, but is encouraging and many found a kindred soul in her. Her writings echo, sometimes very similarly to a certain extent, what's in my heart and mind.

Father, i alternate between ambivalence and certainty, desperation and calmness, feeling lost and yet anchored, feeling lonely and yet not alone ... i wish i knew how to move on without making anymore mistakes. 
Father, You know the desires of my heart, my needs, ... i love You 
wanna remain in You & Your word and have You & Your word remain in me 
love You, Jesus .. in love with You even though i love the Sea deeply 
please .... Father 

thank You for my friends and 'families' ... please bless them all
thank You for my friend who is more a brother than a friend ... who is Christ-like despite not being a believer in that he judge not and understands my situation ... please bless him  
who said any one of the two situations i'm in would bring a man to his knees ... 
and i'm facing both simultaneously
who understood that they're two separate issues
brother mine, thank you ... which is why i can cry freely before you 

Father, i want to sing again for You
i want to obey and feed Your sheep
i want to do something for the children of our land and the world over 
i need a 'Ruth' to help me ... please 
please keep us and preserve us all, O Sovereign LORD