introspection

noticed a trend over the past few years ...
whenever i'm in a funk or facing issues and beset with problems that just won't go away 
or faced with unfair practices or injustice that just laughs in my face repeatedly 
when faced with hypocritical double standards flaunted in my face
when frustrated with the downs of life .... 

songs seem to always help 
before i began youtubing ... i'd just get the urge to pop into Salvation
scan their shelves for anything that may draw my attention 
browse through my faves as well as the unfamiliar 
and when testing was done, the songs and music would minister 
to my heart, my spirit, my soul 
there were times when i'd get an album just for a particular song or two that 'reached out' to me 
despite not liking the rest of the compilation
but over time, after repeated listening ... i grew to like those songs, too 

Done Moen's songs are good ... his Hiding Place album has been particularly helpful 
saw me through some difficult times 
i find Casting Crowns to be an anointed band with real life songs 
undiluted, frank, in your face .... sometimes kinda raw but good all the way
of late, Kari Jobe's the more i seek You & i'm in love with You and Selah's i look to You (with Amy's testimony) & i look to You (without Amy's testimony) [btw, it's an experience to listen to both playing simultaneously, ie the song playing in the background as you listen to Amy's testimony], I will carry you, and Bless the broken road have been particularly comforting, alternating between tears and desperate faith, desperate longings, desperate yearnings, loneliness, frustration, renewed faith and strength ... before the cycle starts all over again
parents who've lost their child and the rare ones able to empathise will understand 'I will carry you' ... and i desperately needed to be carried by my Father .. since all my earthly fathers let me down
am going through another phase in my life where i desperately hope and pray, identifying with 'Bless the broken road' ... how i desperately long for such a blessing 
so lonely and desperate that i alternate between believe in love & you'll see miracles and totally for You
came across Modern Day Ruth recently and her blog - Jenny Williams is a forty-something single mother who is going through a difficult phase of her life. She shares intimately, sometimes almost raw, but is encouraging and many found a kindred soul in her. Her writings echo, sometimes very similarly to a certain extent, what's in my heart and mind.

Father, i alternate between ambivalence and certainty, desperation and calmness, feeling lost and yet anchored, feeling lonely and yet not alone ... i wish i knew how to move on without making anymore mistakes. 
Father, You know the desires of my heart, my needs, ... i love You 
wanna remain in You & Your word and have You & Your word remain in me 
love You, Jesus .. in love with You even though i love the Sea deeply 
please .... Father 

thank You for my friends and 'families' ... please bless them all
thank You for my friend who is more a brother than a friend ... who is Christ-like despite not being a believer in that he judge not and understands my situation ... please bless him  
who said any one of the two situations i'm in would bring a man to his knees ... 
and i'm facing both simultaneously
who understood that they're two separate issues
brother mine, thank you ... which is why i can cry freely before you 

Father, i want to sing again for You
i want to obey and feed Your sheep
i want to do something for the children of our land and the world over 
i need a 'Ruth' to help me ... please 
please keep us and preserve us all, O Sovereign LORD 

Kepong Tackle 11th January 2014

went there today as some friends said they're going
was in the pelangi utama area for a friend's daughter's birthday party

contemplated getting the ABU C4 blue/C5 green reels 
but they did not seem to be in good condition 
saw an alphas 103 the last time i was there a month ago 
took the bull by the horns and ... 

wanted this ever since i saw one of my sifu's left crank version and looked it up on Tackletour and reading the review and seeing the pictures 
finally in hand after some years

it is highly unfortunate the original REVO INS Inshore low profile baitcasting reel is no longer in production ... just don't make 'em like they used to 
and i didn't get an extra unit ! *sighhhh*
and the latest version has yet to arrive *double sighhh*
have yet to get a shimano/daiwa LPBC despite wanting to try one
pricing is relatively higher and the above is a keeper
too many versions is another issue
a friend suggested the zillion PE but it's way beyond my busted budget
hope another friend's used antares II is still available 


settled for something close, familiar, reliable as always and definitely more affordable, ie value for money

service/lubricating port near bottom right ... rectangular piece at bottom of gearbox

need to go elsewhere if i'm to get the C4/C5 for my collection ...

mourning ...

... is kind of weird .... 

many people appear to be able to mourn practically immediately upon the loss of a loved one or a person close to you

some a little later, weeks or months maybe

been three years since dad passed away ... not a single drop 

no remorse, no regrets, no sadness ... nothing 

may wish things could've been better between us but that's water under the bridge

most probably because there's no love lost between my parents and i 

i cried at the funeral of our pastor's mother though i wasn't close to her

i cried at the thought of losing my mother-in-law's Rott

when we lost our first child just before the third month ... i'm not sure i felt anything 

it was more of taking care of the wife 

and when the hospital asked us if we wanted the remains comprising a clump of tissue ...

we just shook our heads and declined

a decade later ... i cried for a good 30-45mins ... moved by Selah's I Will Carry You

hearing Amy Perry sing ... the lyrics hit home and .... i was moved to tears

precious darling ... i am sorry i didn't give you a second thought 

i am sorry i didn't and don't get to see you, watch you grow, see you smile, hear your laughter

i am sorry i shan't know of your dreams and desires, that i can't wipe away your tears 

i am sorry i can't hug you and hold you close and comfort you 

i am sorry i can't take pictures of you, feed you, bathe you, dress you

i am sorry i can't take you by the hand when you take your first steps and later, watch you run

i am sorry i can't sing and rock you to sleep

i am sorry there're no midnight feeds, no strapping into the car seats 

i am sorry i won't be able to see you grow and perform in playschool or in church

i am sorry i shan't have the pleasure of children's, parent's, Christmas and vacation days with you

i am sorry i won't have the pleasure of seeing your mind and motor skills progress ... learn to eat on your own, dress and toilet yourself

precious darling, i am sorry, daddy's sorry

but you're with the Father ... who knows you by name before you were born and saw you before you were knit in your mother's womb

and you have all you ever need with Him 

Shalom, little one ... i hope to know you when i return home 

SS2 Fishing Fever on 23rd November

Finally got round to paying Ann another visit.

Like the matte blue coating on the 6-foot 1 piece Zagan very much, something different from the norm. A light jigging rod, the Zagan Micro Stage Drop Flick feels comfy in hand, light and yet strong. Check out Asian Angler's review of the Micro Stage Drop Flick. 

Another light jigging rod that caught my eye was the Ajiking Micro Game rated PE0.8-1.0 but capable of handling jigs weighing 80g max.

All three rods were retailing for less than RM250, with the Ajiking going for less than RM200 if I remember correctly; worth a buy.

Up next was the Butterfly Extreme rated PE1.5-3 with max jig weight of 160g. Love the metallic violet finishing of the handle and binding. Some may or may not like the ACS trigger though.

The 2-6lb 1 piece 6-foot St Croix ultralight spinning rod was particularly tempting. Sporting a split reel seat and quality cork handle, the rod also came with titanium guides all the way to the tip. Worth the RM320 sticker price; light and strong. This, when I swore I'd never pay more than RM100 for an ultralight.  

Speaking of Asian Angler, the publication turned 1 in October 2013, a historic milestone for the publisher and angling community alike. Kudos to Phil and the gang!

The Fortitude spinning reel featured in the October issue of Asian Angler ... git me one'a those, baby ! If it's going for a fraction of the cost of a Van Staal or Zeebaas, I'm all for it! 

if things did not happen the way they did ...

... i most probably would not have realised how selfish you have been and continue to be
despite all we've been through and how the Lord has blessed and kept us
you continue in your stubbornness ...

foolishness in rearranging items in the car in the dark of night in an isolated factory lot that saw you robbed

showing your true colours immediately after the marriage blessing ... can't even remember what the argument was about 

absolute refusal to listen to reason ... took pastor's wife to get you to not go to Thailand - spiritual hotbed and plenty of bombings then

taking things for granted ... continuously ... the children are my main concern, never foresaw you would lose me first as a result

'refusing' to get requested probiotics from your office block ... even after reminders; with not one word of apology

apologising for everything inconsequential EXCEPT for when it matters and should be done 

think nothing of not keeping your word ... an inherited trait

absolute refusal to at least try for an interview at the suggested company, with not even a single word of explanation

wasting and spoiling food ... another inherited trait 

putting your brother and family before us 

stubborn refusal to make any amends for a decade despite being told several times you killed my love for you ... over time, it feels like you trampled, spat on and threw everything i did for you back in my face

not a single word of thanks when i took out two personal loans for the home and another two to three term loans to clear debt

not a single word of thanks, apology or encouragement for what we had to go through financially

stubborn refusal to do anything at all to improve your vocabulary and grammar, despite my getting useful books and encouragement

not a single explanatory word when i mentioned that the annual reduction of our housing loan via your EPF contribution seems to have decreased suddenly .. were you planning to EVER tell me or explain?

you wanted to throw our wedding decor 


ironic ... 
it takes a public declaration of my love for someone else to elicit an 'apology' 
an insincere apology at that 
because i know what your answer would be if i were to ask, 'would you have apologised at all if i hadn't ... ?' 
you would have continued to take things for granted and not bothered at all 
feeble attempts to stake your claim are ... too late

you forsook your vows and claim on me the moment you decided and went on to put your own family first ... like Esau putting his stomach first 
made worse when you turned to our mentor to avoid keeping your promise ... coupled with his brusque response without any consideration for me or the principle ... too little too late
never realised how selfish you are


i have never cheated on you
i have never slept with any other woman 
i have never flirted with lustful intent
i focused on fishing all these years that i will not stray
nothing is secret nor kept from you
i never wished for nor sought another nor the love of another
i make no demands but to not take things for granted for the children's sakes and safety 
and putting our family first 

it may be wishful thinking but p'raps ... just perhaps 
it was time for a (drastic) change
since i would have just continued for the sake of the children

too late ...
because this person is the first and only person to ever make me want to be a better person without being asked or told
because i see her in an entirely different manner and light 
because i want to marry her, grow old with her, care for her, provide for her, protect her  
because i want her to know there is someone who truly loves her
who'd stand by her and be there for her
because i want to serve the Lord together with her 

...

power pro bite motion

update on Powerpro Bitemotion 
have noticed for sometime there is coating on the line which flakes off 
clumps on the reel line guide, messy
lost a hard running fish after the mainline snapped during the recent March 2015 Kenyir trip 
has never happened with FINS (where only the leader goes)
i retain my trust in FINS but will no longer invest in PP lines despite the popular opinion of many


not prone to changing lines just to try them out 
heavy on the pockets ... so will scout and dig as much as possible on the net 
before trying out anything new 
PP's bite motion was an impulse buy ... two 15lb 164-yard spools 

the orange colour, smooth feel of the line and poundage called out to me 
sticker price of rm100/spool 
second round of using PP lines, first was the 5lb yellow braid on my UL reels

pros: strong, light and limp, smooth, knots seem to hold
cons: colour fades and smoothness fades after some use 

was served a nice helping of Singapore fried meehoon a month or two ago 
had to cut some line; FG-ed the remaining without trimming the ends 
that line and knot was put to the test at fish valley on October 15th when a 2kg jelawat decided to run off with the cut fresh palm fruit at the end of the line

the DAM vittatus lpbc was also tested for the first time since its purchase and use from February 2013
line, knot, reel and rod held; the second hand EA rod felt right at home 
wish the vittatus' line capacity was more though; there were times when heavier lures almost spooled the reeled 

PP bite motion feels thinner than FINS PRT
FINS 15lb seems to hold more water than PP bite motion, most probably due to the perceived reduced diameter of bitemotion
however, naked eye visual says both lines appear to be of similar thickness
for now, PP bite motion seems worth the buy 

the YGK G-Soul is another line worth checking out at RM60/150m for 16lb
bright neon yellow, thin, smooth ... that's for another day 

Fish Valley, Semenyih

finally made it to this popular fishing haunt ... 15th October 2013 
been reading bout it on MFN (for a couple of years before it was shutdown) ... was invited by my sifus
rm30/day for two rods; rm2/pkt of house pellets

pricey, when compared with tow foo sportfishing
nice landscaping, short mini bamboo groves all over the place 
only two ponds are open to the public @ rm30 and rm5
rm30 pond is strictly CnR, while fish caught from the rm5 pond may be taken after weighing and paying

Fish Valley owner, supervisor, patrol duty, restaurant operator ... Michael is a class act
patient, even in the face of the immature, the rude and arrogant
ever ready to teach & share and non-judgemental - classy all the way 

apart from my sifu who hooked up five fish, the rest of us came in at two apiece
good fight nonetheless ... pacus, rohus, carps, African catfish, patins, plabuks, tilapias, Julliene's barbs, etc, are there ... it's a matter of whether one is able to get them
strong pulling and each species with its individual ways of taking off when hooked
both times, the rods did not twitch, did not bounce ... it's all quiet on the water front and suddenly ... the line shoots out and the reel screams 
someone actually lost their tackle, while we were there, when he laid down his tackle and stepped away .... a friend of his yelled to him 'hey ! your tackle's gone into the water ... !'
he was very lucky to have retrieved his set because his line snapped

pond's kinda small so when every angler is close by or adjacent even, lines will tangle and anglers will get together to untangle their respective lines 
anglers that day were understanding and mutually accommodating all around 

the restaurant is quite popular, with non-anglers turning up from all over to eat 
many dishes but a little pricey (as of second half 2014, food prices were confirmed by a Kajang friend and colleague to have increased substantially)  
paintball will be introduced soon if Michael gets his way 
ATVs are available @ rm50/30mins ... grounds are large enough but wish they'd stay away from anglers

3kg pacu on salty chief/stradic 1000/15lb braid/40lb fluoro leader using house pellets

2kg jelawat on EA spiral wrapped 10-25lb/DAM vittatus lpbc (sold off)/15lb powerpro bite motion/40lb 
fluoro using cut fresh palm fruit

both caught on bottom fishing 
shall return when time and pocket permits